Save me

I will say it. I am so sad. The walls have fallen on my head. I am alone, and I see no way out of it.

But this is not desperation. This is a moment. A moment where I know, with everything I have, that I am coming. I am going to get out. And I am going to get out better. No revenge. No calling for it. Just calm. Steady. A clear understanding of the world I actually live in.

No one here is entitled to help me. No one here is entitled to save me. I am going to save myself. I am the caller, and I am the answerer. I am at my lowest low again. And I am going to get out this time. I am so proud of myself. I am so proud of my progress. I am so proud of everything I am doing, even when it feels like nothing is moving.

This might look like a scream for help. It is not. It is just something I needed to pull out of my head and put somewhere. Extra bytes on the internet, carrying a little bit of my pain. That is enough for now. I am not going to numb myself out. I know there is nothing I can do right now except write. Look around. Analyze. Plan.

I have been left alone. And I have thrown the hand of every kind of help away from myself. I own that. I know what I want, not what I think I need. That difference matters.

I am going out. I am coming.